College Poetry

There will come a point in one's college career where he or she will run across a professor who believes he or she knows ALL. I mean, everyone knows you can't interpret a poem without the use of literary theory thereby completely bypassing the historical, political, biographical, societal, cultural, and philosophical contexts right? I had such a professor; He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named. No, not Lord Voldemort. Actually, I think it'd be rather cool having him as a professor. Can you imagine? Never a boring lecture that's for sure! Anyway, my professor, let's just refer to him as D.B. (those are his actual initials, convenient that it coincides with "Douche Bag"). One day whilst "analyzing" P. Shelley's poem, "Ode to the West Wind," Professor D.B. was simply adamant that there was no other acceptable interpretation if one does not apply Aristotelian thought. Not once did he place the poem in any other context and quite frankly, I was appalled. So I zoned out and wrote this poem in his honor:

Professor-dom

The professor loves to pontificate,

As is proof of his Holy Doctorate.

He pleads for all to join him in comment,

Knowing none can match his mouth's excrement.

He drains the life from all the great poets,

Stealing immortality they've earneth.

Poor Browning, Wordsworth, Shelley and dear Keats,

Poets of whom the professor thus beats.

A word of caution to the professor not mild,

Death! Should he rape the life from Oscar Wilde!

Do I detect a slight influence from my dear Earl of Rochester? Perhaps ;)

Things I've Learned Since Graduating College

Having graduated with honors nearly a year ago, with two Bachelor's Degrees in History and English respectively, I have come to very stark realizations. I understand that these degrees are not in as high demand as say, a Mathematics or Science degree, but History and English can effectively translate into productive and flourishing career opportunities. The problem is locating those opportunities and unfortunately, I do not live in an area where said prospects are in abundance. Having said that, here are some things I have learned about college:

If college is something you simply must do, and if you wish to succeed in America, get a Business, Science, or Mathematics degree.

Upon turning 16 years of age, GET A JOB. Type of employment matters not so long as you have employment. Why? Because professional work experience in this country is EVERYTHING.

If you have had the misfortune of being unemployed for six months or more, you are considered unemployable, unless your life’s goal is to work in retail or fast food.

If you can, avoid college at all costs and I do mean costs! The cost of college is continuously on the rise, and a college degree is not worth what it used to be. I must emphatically stress this point; work experience now outweighs any college degree.

Avoid Graduate school.

Again, if college is necessary for whatever reason, COLLEGE IS NOT THE PLACE FOR SELF-DISCOVERY. Know the career path you intend to follow and follow it assiduously! Be sure to choose a University that caters to that chosen path.

Avoid student loans.

When it comes to higher education, the United States falls short, unless you are willing to pay $50,000 or more for a privately funded Ivy League University. Curriculum for public universities is unchallenging and derisory. In some instances, I knew more about the subject matter than my professors. Certainly, a proud and boastful moment for me however, simultaneously embarrassing for both parties.

Despite all this, if you still wish to attend college, treat it with respect and take your academics seriously. Partying and coasting only promotes procrastination and idleness, and taints any potential employment.

If you are fortunate enough to find employment after graduation, expect an entry-level position. It is better to work your way up within the company so that when you are on top, you know what you are doing. Your college degree does not equate to a high paying job, nor should you get a high paying job simply because you have degrees. Work for it and earn it. Prove to your employer that you deserve it based on your work performance for nothing will bring more satisfaction.

The Backstreet Boys are Haunting Me...

Once upon a time I was an avid Backstreet Boys fan. I'm not ashamed. You know why I'm not ashamed? Because seeing my father strut around the house in one of my old BSB t-shirts has completely validated my former fanaticism. I can now say with the utmost certainty, that the sole reason I ever became a Backstreet Boys fan, was to experience that moment with my father some ten years later.

Ten years later and I still have BSB apparel? No. I threw the t-shirt away years ago, but unbeknownst to me, my father "rescued" it because it originally "cost $20 and throwing it away would be like throwing that $20 away. Who cares who's on the shirt as long as it fits." Nevermind that it's horribly faded, the image is cracked, or that it was my mom who paid for it and sanctioned its destruction.

To complete the ensemble, my father was wearing striped pajama bottoms but has since changed into stark white sweat pants. Oh and I can't forget to mention the socks with sandals. I prefer the white sweat pants. It makes Nick Carter's luscious blond hair pop that much more and it also matches the Boys' signatures on the back of the shirt.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for, the shirt:

http://cgi.ebay.com/BACKSTREET-BOYS-BLACK-2-SIDED-CONCERT-SHIRT-1998-TOUR-/270713644348#ht_769wt_1139

You know you wanna place your bids. Don't fight it.

The Sheen-isms Have Officially Topped the Bush-isms

Top 12 things I learned about Charlie Sheen in one hour:

1) He has tiger blood

2) His brain is not from this terrestrial realm

3) People who die from overdoses are "amateurs"

4) He gives people magic

5) His conduct is "bitchin" and his condition is "perfect"

6) "Rock bottom? That's a fishing term!"

7) Only he is capable of harnessing the powerful drug "Charlie Sheen." Side effects include: death by "your face melting off" causing "your children to weep over your exploded body.” This is a bad thing

8) He's all about winning. He wins here, he wins there

9) His partying would make Sinatra, Jagger, Richards and Flynn look like "droopy-eyed, armless children"

10) He's an F-18, and he will destroy you in the air and deploy his ordnance to the ground

11) He was once wrapped in a blanket of moral oppression.

12) Despite being lonely on the top, he's enjoying the view.

Bonus: do ants have toes? Charlie doesn't know, be he'd sure like to.

The Sheenisms have officially topped the Bushisms. He makes Scientology look sane.